Phoenix, AZ – The 2017 Southern Baptist Convention was overshadowed by astonishing news of a trade between Southern Baptists and Calvary Chapel involving Harvest Crusader Greg Laurie. In exchange for the power hitting Greg Laurie, Calvary Chapel will receive the top three prospects from the graduating class of Southern Seminary in 2018. The three prospects will go straight from Southern Seminary into Calvary Chapel’s minor league training program where they will be taught the Calvary Distinctives involving end times, spiritual gifts, and verse-by-verse preaching.
Calvary Chapel Association pastor Raul Ries gave us his thoughts on the motives behind the trade saying, “Greg has been a tremendous asset to Calvary Chapel over the years and it was a tough decision to let him go. For us, it really had to do with where we are headed as an organization. We are looking for fresh, young talent that can be the future of the organization. We need guys that will take us up to the rapture since it seems to be a little further off due to the relative peace in Israel right now and no sign of the Antichrist.”
When asked about the fairness of the deal, Ries said, “They initially tried to offer us the top three graduates from Southwestern Seminary. We then countered the offer by trying to get a straight deal for David Platt. In the end, we settled on the top three graduates from Southern next year.”
The SBC handed the reigns over to Southern Seminary president Albert Mohler to work out the details of the deal. Mohler, clearly fatigued after not sleeping for over a month said, “I have put too much effort into practically saving the convention from its demise thirty-plus years ago, and I am going to do everything I can now to get us where we should be. Even though Greg is past his prime, we think he has a few years left to perform at a level that is adequate for what we need.”
With numbers waning in SBC membership, the convention saw that it was time to make a deal that would increase membership in the short and long term. As part of the deal, the Southern Baptist Convention will acquire the 15,000 members in Laurie’s congregation of Harvest Church in Riverside as well as 50% of the hands raised to receive Christ at every Harvest Crusade. Also, as part of the deal, the SBC will provide uniforms for Calvary Chapel pastors consisting of Tommy Bahama shirts and flip-flops until Laurie retires.
*Just in case it’s not clear, this article is meant to be satirical.